Where was I…
1. You sit down at a bar. The bartender walks over and places a coaster or beverage napkin down in front of you. You take said coaster or beverage napkin and place your cell phone down on top of it. I sure hope you like condensation, because you’re not getting another one.
2. You’ve been waiting for a while for a spot at the bar and one finally opens up. You sit down quickly and gesture for me to clean up the dirty dishes in front of you. This could include pointing to the food, waving at it with the back of your hand, or even asking us to “clean this up.” We don’t expect you to use other people’s silverware. Clearly we’re busy. We don’t need you to teach us the fundamentals of our job. And now you’re on our shit list. So good job on speedy work.
3. You sit down and ask if the bartender if they have snacks. “Like nuts or pretzels.” Yes. Yes we do. They’re called appetizers. Here’s a menu.
4. “It’s so cold in here. Can they turn up the heat?” Sure, I have nothing better to do. Let me go find “them” so “they” can pretend to turn up the heat while I actually use the opportunity to go to the bathroom for the first time in 8 hours. Next time bring a sweater.
5. “What do you have on draft?” Let me get you a list. After five seconds of pursuing the menu… “Do you have Miller Light?” Deeeeeep breath. No. We have WHAT’S ON THE MENU!!!!!
6. You’re loud as shit. While at the bar, use your inside voice. As long as we’re not at a club in the city, I can hear you perfectly over the three feet of bar dividing us, and the person sitting five inches to your left can hear you too.
7. Don’t order hot tea at a bar. That’s all I have to say about that.
8. “Is it good?” Please don’t ask us that. Ever. On some level, all of our food and drink is good. Do I like sour beers? No. But there’s a market for it. Do I like cheese in my salad? No. But I’m in the minority there. If you ask any service professional if the food or beverage they’re serving is good… ultimately the answer will be yes. Because we don’t serve poop on a plate. If you’re lucky you’ll get a real pro who will say, “Yes, if you like sweet drinks.” Or, “It’s a little too spicy for me. But it’s very popular.” But don’t hold your breath.
9. “I’ll take the burger with fries. But no roll on my burger please. I’m allergic to gluten.” Well our fries are fried in the same oil as some foods that contain gluten so would you like a different side with your burger? “Oh no. The fries are fine. I just can’t have the bread.” Riiiiiiight.
10. The service bar is for servers. People who work for the establishment. You standing in the middle of the service bar to order a drink is like trying to cut the line at Disney. You now have a whole lot of people really angry at you, and you’re still not going to get what you want. Stand behind the brass rail. Let the workers work. Wait your turn.
To be continued…