You Might be a Douche… (Part 2)

Where was I…

1. You sit down at a bar.  The bartender walks over and places a coaster or beverage napkin down in front of you.  You take said coaster or beverage napkin and place your cell phone down on top of it.  I sure hope you like condensation, because you’re not getting another one.

2. You’ve been waiting for a while for a spot at the bar and one finally opens up.  You sit down quickly and gesture for me to clean up the dirty dishes in front of you.  This could include pointing to the food, waving at it with the back of your hand, or even asking us to “clean this up.”  We don’t expect you to use other people’s silverware.  Clearly we’re busy.  We don’t need you to teach us the fundamentals of our job.  And now you’re on our shit list.  So good job on speedy work.

3. You sit down and ask if the bartender if they have snacks.  “Like nuts or pretzels.”  Yes. Yes we do.  They’re called appetizers.  Here’s a menu.

4. “It’s so cold in here.  Can they turn up the heat?”  Sure, I have nothing better to do.  Let me go find “them” so “they” can pretend to turn up the heat while I actually use the opportunity to go to the bathroom for the first time in 8 hours.  Next time bring a sweater.

5. “What do you have on draft?”  Let me get you a list.  After five seconds of pursuing the menu… “Do you have Miller Light?”  Deeeeeep breath.  No.  We have WHAT’S ON THE MENU!!!!!

6. You’re loud as shit.  While at the bar, use your inside voice.  As long as we’re not at a club in the city, I can hear you perfectly over the three feet of bar dividing us, and the person sitting five inches to your left can hear you too.

7. Don’t order hot tea at a bar.  That’s all I have to say about that.

8. “Is it good?”  Please don’t ask us that.  Ever.  On some level, all of our food and drink is good.  Do I like sour beers?  No.  But there’s a market for it.  Do I like cheese in my salad?  No.  But I’m in the minority there.  If you ask any service professional if the food or beverage they’re serving is good… ultimately the answer will be yes.  Because we don’t serve poop on a plate.  If you’re lucky you’ll get a real pro who will say, “Yes, if you like sweet drinks.”  Or, “It’s a little too spicy for me.  But it’s very popular.”  But don’t hold your breath.

9. “I’ll take the burger with fries.  But no roll on my burger please.  I’m allergic to gluten.” Well our fries are fried in the same oil as some foods that contain gluten so would you like a different side with your burger?  “Oh no.  The fries are fine.  I just can’t have the bread.”  Riiiiiiight.

Another favorite…

10. The service bar is for servers.  People who work for the establishment.  You standing in the middle of the service bar to order a drink is like trying to cut the line at Disney.  You now have a whole lot of people really angry at you, and you’re still not going to get what you want.  Stand behind the brass rail.  Let the workers work.  Wait your turn.

To be continued…

You Have One Job…

Anyone in the service industry is incredibly judgmental of others in the service industry. We can’t help it.  But we expect service that we would be expected to give to others.  Be and be treated… and all that.  And it’s why a lot of service professionals either never go out or only go to a handful of places that are tried and true.

This isn’t limited to restaurants though.  The service industry covers a wide array of jobs. For example: today I drove into a gas station.  I handed the man my debit card and said, quite clearly, “Twenty dollars of regular please.”  I proceeded to check my emails on my phone and after a minute or two heard the click of the gas pump stopping.  I looked back out of habit at the pump and saw $39.46.

YOU HAVE ONE JOB!!!!!!!  TWENTY. DOLLARS. OF. REGULAR.  I didn’t stutter.  I didn’t mumble.  If you weren’t sure, why not ask???  If that were my mistake, say I charged for an extra drink or two by accident, I would have to void the mistakes off the check, probably buy them another round for the inconvenience, and there would be an angry letter written to my boss informing them that their bartender is trying to “steal” from their guests.  In the long run does a difference of $19.46 really make a difference?  No.  Do I have a full tank of gas?  Yes.  And I get that you’re standing outside all day in the middle of winter.



Have you ever said something and then immediately wonder if you made a mistake? I fully understand that everyone’s humor is different. But there are times that things come flying out of your mouth and you just cringe. For example:

Me: “Good evening sir. How are you?”

Man: “Fine. I should tell you I’m really not very friendly.”

Me: “It’s all right. I’m only nice because you all pay me to be so…”

Me in my head: “Shit. That was out loud. I’m fired.”

I’m happy to report I’m still employed. And the guy left 20%.


Happy New Year!


I hope everyone had a profitable and safe New Years!  Back to business…

Here’s something that really grinds my gears.

A girl walks into the bar.  “Hey.  What can you make me that has, like, vodka and, like, cranberry juice in it?”

The bar is busy, the bartenders are trying to take drink orders and food orders while making OTHER drink orders, while washing glasses, and the tickets from the service bar printer are streaming out like they’re lotto numbers.  Look around.  You have no less than six people standing behind you that know EXACTLY what they want to drink, and they’re holding cash.  And I have to put this couple’s food order in.  And those people want to pay.  I don’t have time for your version of “Deal or No Deal.”  Here’s your vodka cranberry.  I put some club soda and an orange peel in there to make you feel fancy.  Enjoy.

The dinner rush is not the time to get adventurous folks.  Go with what you know or get an idea from our drink menu.  When I’m standing around polishing glassware with two guests at the bar, I’d be happy to come up with your new go-to drink for you.  I’ll even go to the kitchen for fresh berries to muddle in the bottom of your newly-inspired sugar-free mojito.  Otherwise, if you’re looking for inspiration, may I suggest Google.



Guest: “You were fantastic! Thank you so much!! What’s your name so I can request you next time we come?”

Waiter: “Greg with a G.”

Guest: “So just the one G then?”

Eavesdropping snarky bartender inner monologue: “This guy is my hero.”

Mixmatched Mixers

Man walks into a bar.

Bartender: “Hi. What can I get for you?”

Man: “Um, can I get a Jameson and tonic?”

Bartender: “Sure.”

(Bartenders thoughts: Dear man. Allow us to educate you. You are no longer in college where you’re stuck grabbing the first mixer bottle you can find to go with the first bottle of brown liquor you find under the sink. Time to grow up a bit. Either man up and order a vodka tonic or enjoy brown liquor the way it should be enjoyed – either one large ice cube or neat. But don’t embarass yourself. What’s next? Adding Diet Coke to Jefferson Ocean? Please.)

Let it Go!!!


A woman walks into a bar.

“Hey.  I was here about a year ago and you had this drink on the menu with fresh blueberries.  Can you still make it?”

The bartender says, “No, I’m sorry.  We took it off the menu so we don’t have the ingredients anymore to make it.”

The woman says, “Well, I’m sure you can improvise.  Can’t you just make me something close to it?”

No.  No I cannot.  Do you want to know why?  We don’t have blueberries.  Do you want to know why?  WE TOOK THE DRINK OFF THE MENU!!!!

The bartender in real life says, “Sure.”

Folks… times change.  People change (sort of).  Restaurant menus change mostly according to product pricing and seasonal changes.  And bar menus change.  They change because you were the ONLY one who liked that drink last year with the muddled blueberries, rubbing-alcohol vodka, and fresh-squeezed overly-sweetened lemonade.  Real talk: no one likes to chew their drinks.  That’s why it’s called food AND drink.  Not food WITH drink.

If you don’t see what you want on the menu, change your expectations.  Don’t ask a bartender to recreate (or worse… improvise) a very specific drink and taste you remember from any night more than a month ago if it wasn’t the bartender that made it in the first place.  I don’t remember what I ordered for Chinese take out last week.  I’m not going to be able to recreate a drink you had a YEAR ago.  You’ll wind up not liking it, my manager will have to comp it off your check, and then I’ll be ACTUALLY snarky to you as opposed to being generally snarky to you which comes across as witty.

Take a note from the Dread Pirate Roberts: “Get used to disappointment.”