Who doesn’t love a good Jeff Foxworthy “redneck” skit? Well, to honor that I would like to start my own little list. The following are things that send red flags shooting in every direction for most bartenders. They make us slump our shoulders, take a deep sigh, and close our eyes for a few seconds to calm down the stupid. This list will be on-going. Here are the first ten of “You might be a douche…”
1: You walk into a bar. There are 16 empty, clean bar stools to choose from and you sit at the 17th bar stool – the only bar stool that still has an empty plate and glass from it’s previous occupant at it. Whyyyy???
2: You walk into a bar. The entire bar is clean and empty. And you ponder for a good five to eight minutes over where to sit. It’s just a chair. You won’t find a golden ticket under it. Sit down.
3: You sit down. You may talk with your friends for a few minutes. The bartender asks you what you would like to drink. Your answer can include, “Just water for now,” “May I see a drink list?” or “What do you have on tap?” Your answer can NOT include, “Gosh, I don’t know.” You. Are at. A bar. Really??
4: You sit down. The bartender says, “Hi! How are you?” And you answer with the description of a food or beverage item. So sorry. I don’t think you heard me. “HI! HOW ARE YOU??”
5: You sit down. You’re on your phone. I’m telling you right now the bartender won’t even go over to you. Give the seat to someone who’s ready to order and spend money. If you’re conducting business, good for you. I’m sure you have a lovely office.
6: You order a Bloody Mary any day other than a Saturday or a Sunday.
7: You order a Bloody Mary ANY day after 4:00 pm.
8: You ask for blue cheese stuffed olives with your martini. The bartender tells you that the bar doesn’t carry them. You ask the bartender to make them for you. Sure. Let me drop absolutely everything I’m doing so I can go slap on some latex and shove some mold into a fruit that’s been marinating in a jar of it’s own juices for God knows how long so you can have a free appetizer with your glass of gin.
9: You order “an extra extra dirty martini.” And then send it back because it’s too dirty.
And a personal favorite:
10: You sit down and order… nothing. I don’t care if you’re waiting for a friend, or waiting for to-go food, or waiting to speak to the owner of the company. Ask me for a soda, or get the fuck up.
To be continued…